


Murphy's Cops Law #36

by Python07



Series: Murphy's Cops Laws [33]
Category: Archer (Cartoon)
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Crack, M/M, Multi, Threesome, minor injury
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-05
Updated: 2015-04-05
Packaged: 2018-03-21 09:54:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3687822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Python07/pseuds/Python07
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Small fic based on Murphy's Cop's Law #36: The further away the call is into the sticks directly relates to the likelihood you will need a restroom after you are back in service.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Murphy's Cops Law #36

Lana pushed the pedal to the floor as hard as she could. Suddenly, there was a loud crash. Her side mirror had already been shot off but she could see the smoke from the wreck in the rearview mirror. “Nice shot, Ray! Now, get your ass back in the car!”

Archer was in the backseat. He bounced up and down and let out a loud whoop, completely ignoring the glass shards from the broken back window. “That’s what I thought.”

“Archer!” Lana snapped. 

“Come get some, ya pussies!” Archer shouted and whooped again. “I told you the Portuguese make sucky terrorists.”

Lana was ready to grind her teeth. “Archer!”

Ray eased back in from where he’d been hanging out of the passenger window. He sat back with a muttered curse, “Dukes.”

“Archer!” Lana shouted a third time.

“Lana!” Archer shouted back.

Lana’s grip on the steering wheel tightened. “God damn it, Archer!” 

“Language, Lana!” 

Lana glared at him in the rearview mirror. “Do you have the flash drive?”

“Yeah.” Archer turned from the rapidly retreating view with a shit eating grin. “I have to admit, Ray. That was an awesome shot and it caused an epic wreck.”

Ray shifted uneasily and let out a small pained sound. “Thanks.”

Lana glanced over at him. Her eyes got wide. “Oh, my God! Ray, are you hit?”

Ray held his hand over the wound on his shoulder. “I think it’s a through and through. I’ll be all right.”

Lana kept one eye on the road and used one hand to check the glove box. “Archer, check if there’s a first aide kit somewhere back there or something we can use to press against the wound to stop the bleeding.”

Archer’s nose wrinkled. “You do realize that we stole this cab from a disgusting slob, right? It’s really dirty. Anything from back here will give Ray sepsis.”

“Will you just look.” Lana found nothing but empty potato chip bags, candy wrappers, and papers. She slammed the glove box closed. She saw the blood running between Ray’s fingers. “Just hang on for me, Ray.”

Ray managed a small smile for her. “I’ll be all right. You just concentrate on drivin.” He put his head back and shut his eyes to concentrate on breathing through the pain.

“Nothing back here,” Archer reported. “Except for a pair of panties stuck in the seat and some used condoms. It really is gross back here. Who would want to do it back here?”

Lana reached over to squeeze Ray’s leg. “We’re almost to the extraction point.”

“Honestly,” Archer scoffed. “Who is that desperate? You think he rented to homeless people? I mean it’s better than a cardboard box, not by much, but--”

“Shut up, Archer!” Lana snarled.

Archer smirked. “Now, that’s just rude. I saved us back there. You could show some appreciation.”

“Ray saved us after you blew our cover!”

“How was I supposed to know that--”

“So, help me, Archer, I’m gonna shoot you in the face.”

“Will both of you kindly shut it?” Ray asked in a combination of snark and weariness that only he could achieve in such circumstances. His Southern accent always got thicker. “My shoulder and my head are throbbing.”

The car was silent for a few moments after that until Archer sat forward to crane his neck around Ray’s seat. “It’s not like you haven’t been shot before. Don’t be such a baby.”

Before Lana could stop the car to strangle Archer, Ray swiftly brought his fist back and hit Archer in the face. He didn’t even have to bother to raise his head. He put his hand back over his wound.

Archer howled and held his hands up to his face. “You broke my nose.”

Lana laughed. “Serves you right. Now, sit still and shut up.”

That lasted all of five minutes before Archer piped up again, this time uncertain. “Lana?”

Lana rolled her eyes. “What?”

“I really have to pee.”

Lana enunciated the words, slowly and succinctly as if speaking to an idiot. “We just stole a flash drive from a terrorist cell. Ray has been shot. We’re almost to the extraction point. And you want me to pull over so you can pee.”

“Yes,” Archer answered as if it was the most natural thing is the world. “You know I have trouble holding it, Lana.”

Lana smiled sweetly at Ray. “Are you buckled in?”

Ray sighed. “Yes.”

“Good.” Lana swerved sharply to the side and grinned in satisfaction when she saw Archer thrown across the seat.

Archer banged his already broken nose. He kicked the back of Lana’s seat. “Not cool.”

“I hope Pam is with us the next time you get shot. I’ll let her take her sweet time taking a deuce while you wait for medical attention.”

Archer winced but said bravely, “We’ve all seen gunshot wounds before. Ray’s going to be fine. They’ll patch him up and then we’ll take him home and snuggle him between us.”

“God, you’re such an ass,” Lana muttered. She reached out to squeeze Ray’s leg again. “Does that sound okay to you, Ray?”

Ray opened his eyes to smile at her tiredly. “That sounds fine.”

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first attempt at Archer. I hope they're not too OOC.


End file.
